My Poochie's Paradise

Dog Jokes

9 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog

1) If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2) No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3) Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you do
n't even have to comb your own hair.

4) Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5) No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6) Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7) You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8) No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9) It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.


 As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful...
princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
 


A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to show the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man ..."What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.


Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"

Q: Why ...
didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!


Ten top ways to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog

10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water ...
bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.


 How Dogs and Men are the Same:

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart sh...
amelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.



There once was a female dog who went to three male dogs and asked them to make a sentence that had liver and cheese in the sentence. So the first dog said "Would you like some liver and cheese?" She didn't like that sentence, so she turned to the next dog. Annd the next dog said, "Do you have any liver or cheese?"She didn't ...say a thing and then turned to the next dog, and asked him to say a sentence with liver and cheese in it.And the last dog said, "Liver alone. Cheese mine".



A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. Sh...e replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"



The following ad appeared in a newspaper:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE
SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love: long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, riding in your pickup truck, fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinn...
ers will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-2121 and ask for Daisy. (The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)


It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there.

"It's slow here, too", said Satan

"Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun."

"Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there."

"I know," answered God, "But you've got all the judges."



Father and son were walking hand in hand when they saw two dogs "doing it" in the middle of the street.
The dad got all flustered and told his son that the big brown dog hurt his paw, and the little white dog was helping him across the street. The boy thought a minute, then looked up and said, "Isn't that just like life...
? You try to help someone and get screwed!"



A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his Kerry. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen.""Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."



Why Dogs are Better Than Cats

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message & get back to you when they are good and ready.

10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cat
s will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all

4. Dogs will greet you & lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.


1. Dogs will give you unconditional love. Anyone that knows a cat... well... I need not say more. lol



Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He ...
said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand .. I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.


A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"




The Top 15 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers

15. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
14. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
13. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
12. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
11. Can't help attacking the scree...
n when they hear "You've Got Mail."
10. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
9. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www . pethouse.com instead of working.
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
7. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
16. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
5. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
4. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
3. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
2. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
1. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.



Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog:


10. Doggy door on oval office

9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"

8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

6. U.S. mi
ght have more coherent foreign policy

5. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker

4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife

2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)

1. One word: sausage-gate



One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked ...
him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill."What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."



10 of the reasons a girl should choose a dog over a man:

10. Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.

9. A dog is better protection from intruders.

8. Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.

7. Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.

6. Puppy lo
ve doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.

5. You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.

4. Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.

3. Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.

2. A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.

1. Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"



10 more reasons for a girl to choose a dog over a man.

10. A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...

9...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.

8. Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly. 

7. If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a ...
man says sausages, that's just greedy. 

6. Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...

5 ...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.

4. A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.

3. A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.

2. Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.

1. In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.



10 MORE reasons a girl should pick a dog over a man

10. If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.

9. You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.

8. Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.

7. You can find a nice...
dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.

6. A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.

5. When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.

4. Dogs sometimes dig the garden.

3. A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.

2. Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.

1. Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.



A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way in the establishment. The waiter said, "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here." The man indignantly claimed, "I'm blind! This is my seeing eye dog!" "You're trying to tell me," said the waiter, "that this Chihuahu...a is a seeing eye dog?"
"What?!!" cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"


What'sThe Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects you to call.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

5...
. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

...And the number one reason why a dog is better than a woman:

1. A dog does not shop.




Genuine misprints taken from real publications

FREE PUPPIES: part German Shepherd - part dog .

FREE PUPPIES: ˝ Cocker Spaniel - ˝ sneaky neighbor dog.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.

GERMAN SHEPHERD, 85 lb., neutered, speaks German, free.

FOUND: dirty white dog, looks like a rat, been out aw
hile, better be a reward.

CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 Cents or best offer

FREE: Farm kittens, ready to eat.

KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - seeking good Christian home.


You know you're a dog person when...
You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.

You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.

You don't think twice ab...
out trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.

Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")

90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).

You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.

No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.


Bear's Property Laws

If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

If I saw it first, it's mine.

If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to b...
e yours in any way.

If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

If it's broken, it's yours.



Top Ten Signs You Spoil Your Dog:

1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your dog eat at the table with you.

2. You take him to the supermarket and let him pick out his own dog food.

3. Your husband comes home from work, looks at the stew on the stove and asks: "Is this people food or dog food...
?"

4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and yourself.

5. At dinner parties you always have to double-check the butter for visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.

6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the next family vacation.

7. You don't care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as long as Fido has enough room on the bed.

8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don't think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.

9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes he even gets to hold the remote.

10. He has his own e-mail address.




A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry. No pets allowed."The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see."The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep s...
coring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping."Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!"


A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Pest Control." When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour late...
r, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"

The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you've got to shoot that Rottweiler!"

 

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